• No Comments
January 4th, 2008
Every day I take two engraved inspirational stones off of my dresser and place them in my pocket. One is inscribed with the word: passion and the other is inscribed with the word: happiness. These have become both focal points and goals in my often rather chaotic life lately.
I have learned a lot about myself and the world in the last year. Much of it through social interactions and personal experiences. Some were not so pleasant. Others are experiences I would love to have around me at all times, if it were possible. One thing I know I have is passion. Unfortunately, passion has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I am passionate about teaching; wanting it done right. This has gotten me in trouble. I am passionate about championing the cause of those who don’t have a voice, again, leading to trouble. I am passionate about my feelings and emotions, only to learn that others aren’t so inclined to be the same. My passion has oft lead to much pain for me, but it has, in turn taught me something. Pain leads to the need to be strong. Strength leads to character. Character is a sign of hope and with hope, all things are possible.
My happiness, however, is a horse of a different color. I have always been extremely empathetic when it comes to dealing with people. I am concerned about their happiness and how their lives play out. I am cautious of other’s boundaries and work to respect their wishes, hopes and dreams. I do not like to play any part in breaking the spirit of any individual I come in contact with. My focus is on helping so many people that I forget myself in the mix. I want to make everyone happy and in the end, I forget to make myself happy. Lately, I forgo my happiness in lieu of not wanting to upset someone else. I don’t value my own feelings, but treat the feelings of others with the utmost importance. This is wrong and I know it, but it is so hard to break out of. I carry my happiness stone to remind me that I too deserve happiness.
• No Comments
December 21st, 2007
The eve of my separation from my husband 5 years ago, a friend of mine listened patiently to my woes, providing the much needed shoulder to cry on. After hearing all that had gone on leading up to that day, he left me with a bit of wisdom that has never escaped me.
“Erin, you are a […]
• No Comments
November 30th, 2007
I’ve had a revelation lately. Unfortunately, it doesn’t fix my fear of commitment or my abandonment issues, but it does let me sleep at night because it has helped me know what I am looking for.
I want to be able to “Fall Into Reality”. Falling in love is a lot of mushy, perfect world, no […]
• No Comments
November 26th, 2007
I have discovered recently, after much introspection, that I have two fears holding me back in my life. The first is a fear of commitment and the second is a fear of abandonment. Of course, I have the healthy normal fears others experience: spiders, heights, deep water. These two, however, stand out in my mind […]
• No Comments
November 24th, 2007
Today I was completely and utterly unproductive.
It isn’t something I’m proud of. Quite the opposite, actually. I am really rather ashamed of the fact that I am sitting around here doing nothing. I had planned on putting out my Christmas decorations in the front lawn. I had planned on cleaning up my storage boxes from […]
• No Comments
November 20th, 2007
Within the last year I really began dating again. I haven’t dated many men, only two or three, but I did join the real world once more. While I found it fun, it just seemed so different this time. I suppose, having been married and a devoted, doting mom for so long that my perspective […]
• No Comments
November 12th, 2007
For some reason today, I was watching Dr. Phil. I despise the man, but I was fascinated with the people he was dealing with today. Forget his advice…these people were classic. There was the man hater, the chauvenist, the religious zealot/hippocrite, the anti social, the self proclaimed she-bully and the black woman who hates all […]
• No Comments
October 29th, 2007
Lately I have started to view myself much more grown up than I have felt in my life. It has always been one of my complaints that I felt 16, but that has begun to change. Not all of it is good, but it definitely has finally made me feel adult. Whatever decision I make […]
• No Comments
October 27th, 2007
Today I have spoken to, well, no one.
I tried to call several people, no one was home. My daughter, whom I called after she went trick or treating, said she’d call me back because it was too noisy. She wanted to spend time with other people. She never called.
It would be so nice to just […]
• No Comments
October 19th, 2007
I absolutely adore thunderstorms and have since I was little. I would sit awake in my childhood farmhouse waiting long into the night for impending storms. I knew my waiting would be well rewarded when I felt the atmosphere get heavy and the thunder would grumble a familiar hello from the distance. I had no […]